


Let's find Ourselves

by NicholasAB



Category: Britain's Got Talent
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Crying, Feelings Realization, Feels, M/M, Making Love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-11
Updated: 2018-12-08
Packaged: 2019-03-30 01:02:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13939227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NicholasAB/pseuds/NicholasAB
Summary: Short after his mothers death, Simon Cowell has to face life itself. He could have stayed grieving the rest of his days, that was until he was shown life has so much more by the most unexpected person.David Walliams cant stop chasing after his heart, he has always been that way, no chance that's changing this time. His marriage gets worse every day that passes and he needs to figure out what is he doing wrong, will following his heart be the right thing to do? Could he risk it all?Both men are lost in their own misery, could crossing paths help them reach happines in such a cruel world?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Simon's mother was his best friend, there wasn't anyone more important than her. 2015 brings him the worse news he had ever received, Julie Brett was dead. His mother was gone.

**Chapter 1: Those who are dead are not dead, they're just living in my head.**   


 A careful step after the other one.

Slowly. 

It was an animal determination, he felt like a hunter after the prey. Simon bit his lip and crawled silently towards the small creature he’d been chasing the entire day.

It was noon in his grandmother’s field in outer London and the sun burned hot, he’d been playing with his brother, riding bicycle, reading comics and for the past few minutes following a tiny grasshopper. The thrilling chase was now being resumed in the animal a few steps in front of him and Simon was sure it was seconds away from ending. 

Another silent step.

He breathed and gave another step as he whispered softly ' I’ve got you, finally…’ 

Just when he reached out he was suddenly interrupted by some arms under his shoulders lifting him, at first it startled him but then he realized who it was about and felt pure joy. 

'Whatare you doing here you little boy?' asked Julie while he climbed onto her arms like a koala. 

'Iwas hunting mom!' said Simon between giggles as he wrapped his arms around her neck. 

Sheraised an eyebrow surprised and gave a kiss to his cheek.

'Really? What were you hunting, huh?'

'A grasshopper' he replied merrily.

'Oh yeah, then you must’ve been quite into it. I was calling your name, lunch is ready and Granny made you berry rolls.’ 

He felt warm and exited about the invitation, the day before he’d asked to her grandmother if she could make some of his favorite desert. Her granny was the best cook he’d ever met, she always had a new recipe for lunch and dinner, and they all were simply perfect. 

Mother and Son walked down the hill and got to the house in outer London. It wasn’t too big, but it was welcoming and brought good memories to the two brothers. 

When  they walked past the bushes of the porch and got into the corridor Simon was greeted by a sweet familiar scent, and a body similar to his jumping over him. 

'SimonSimon Simon' it’s the only thing he hears after a couple of thin arms are wrapped around his neck.

Half annoyed buy mostly glad he pushes slightly to part from his clingy younger brother while sighing. 'Hey, I was just away for the afternoon'

'I still missed you Si!'

He walked to the kitchen where the table was already set and where his family was waiting. 

  


Oncein his bed, teeth brushed, pajamas on and already said good night to his granny and brother he waited for his mother to get in bed next to him to kiss his forehead as they always did.

His dad was usually busy working so he spent most of the time with his mother, they did mostly everything together. She was the best mother of all, she played with him, made delicious food, singed him nice songs and most importantly she loved him and he loved her back. 

Then she emerged from the corridor and walked till she was next to the bed where she sat, she patted his son head so tenderly and loving with a smile on her face.

“My baby boy,” 

“don’t call me that mom!” he interrupted laughing “I am a big boy now” 

She smiled warmly, chuckled and leant forward to place a soft loving kiss on his son’s forehead.

“yes, you are, Phil. You will always be my boy.”

Warm lips were pressed against his head and Simon felt relaxed, as if some kind of magic spell had been cast and he could now sleep without worries.

She went backwards, ruffled his hair and stood to leave. 

“mom,”

“yes darling?” 

He smiled feeling cozy under the bedcovers. 

“I love you”

She smiled once more, a smile Simon would never forget.

"I love you too son," she turned the light of the room off " good night."

Simon heard the steps becoming distant until fading away. He snuggled on this bed and closed his eyes, he slept well that night, with no troubled dreams cause of course, he was a child. 

  


**2015**  

  


The what you expect the less happens, you just don’t see it coming and it's all so sudden you can't even believe it, you don’t recognize words, time or whatever they're telling you, it feels so unreal and strange, cold and distant, like if suddenly all was taken away from you, leaving you cold, blank and helpless. 

The moment his heart was ripped off started with his phone buzzing while he was sitting on his desk writing a letter to a music company. 

Simon took the phone that was a few centimeters away from the laptop, reading the name on the screen he answered, questioning himself why that person was calling him.

"Nicholas, brother dear, what's wrong? "

There was a weird sound on the other line, which Simon could recognize as a sob. 

"Nick, is everything alright?"

"She´s gone Simon." 

_First it was shock._  

His tensed expression faded, brow relaxed and jaw dropped. He couldn’t reach the words, everything that was in his head left, leaving him abandoned. The words he heard had been like a gunshot, a silence while the bullet reached his heart. Only that in this situation, the time seemed to slow down till it stopped existing. 

_Denial_. 

"Nick, n-no, you can't be serious," a crack on the last word, his breath became quick and then his voice rose, " tell me it's not true!"

"Simon, I'm sorry-" 

But Simon didn’t hear what his brother said, the phone slipped his hands and fell to the carpet down his feet, then short after the noise of the phone hitting the ground everything went silent. 

He tried to breath in.

He couldn’t.

Everything had stopped, the sounds of the world, his head, his heart and his life. 

It wasn’t possible, she was fine, she was okay and was getting better, he thought she could get over it, beat the cancer that had been detected, he was going to visit her in the hospital on a few days more.

He finally managed to breath in, sucked the air in and then began to feel dizzy.

It wasn’t happening, his head repeated over and over, it couldn’t be real. 

JulieBJulie was dead. 

His mother.


	2. Oh I Wanna Talk To You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I procrastinated posting this so long, I'm so sorry.

It was late evening, people came into the stage trying to impress all of the judges behind the panel but just some of them got the four yeses. It was the ninth season of Britain's got talent and the four judges were glad of being there...well, most of them.  
One of them was there just because it was his job, deep down he was absently doing his work. Two weeks after his mother death he wasn't anything close to feeling good, Simon Cowell was depressed having plenty reasons to be.

He sat on his place the entire afternoon doodling circles on the list of contestant names and paying the needed amount of attention to the acts on stage, then proceeding to give the verdict if they should get into the next round or not.  
Partially he said no to most of them, not because of his current mood, but because he didn't found anything enjoyable, although there were some he just couldn't deny the talent behind the ones who performed.

He wasn't alright and he knew the other ones sensed it, still he didn't care about the others noticing his emotional state, he was doing his job and nothing else mattered.

But that wasn't what the others thought; Amanda knew what was going on because two weeks ago when Simon postponed the show for a week and told everyone to take a break on the recording of the series she felt something wasn't right at all. So she tried to ask to some of the managers what was happening with the man, then she got the news of the death of Simon's mother.

Knowing Simon talking about his feelings wasn't a good idea totally, he would just brush it off so she jumped to the conclusion to let some time go on and then he would find a way to get through.  
After all, he was just her boss and his feelings were none of her business.

On the other hand when Amanda discreetly communicated to her co-workers what was the matter with the man the children book author, David Walliams, didn't agree with Amanda and Alesha's opinion about letting the man mourn and grieve by himself such a loss.  
He thought it wasn't right at all, but the problem was that they weren't close enough for him to simply approaching Cowell and try to comfort the man, who in first place was sensitive on the matter and second; he was nothing more nothing less than his boss.  
But after the events of that night he just couldn't stand seeing him in such state any longer and decided to do something, at least in a few days later but promised to.

There were some auditions left until the show was over, everyone was obviously tired. It had been a long day for all of them but specially for Simon.

Then a young man came into stage and the audience behind the four Judges cheered welcoming him. Simon lifted his gaze from his list to examine the contestant attitude towards the crowd, he always thought it was very important. So when the boy showed confidence Simon mentally added some points to his evaluation of the man in front of him.

He had been feeling quite dull today, not totally depressed but a little bit exhausted, so when the man on stage placed in the 'x' he decided to take his turn doing the brief chat with the young contestant.

'hello'

'hi' he replied a bit nervous and exited.

'So, what's your name?' he repeated the same words they always asked as he checked on the paper in front of him whit the names of the acts, if he was correct this was the last act of the day.

'um, my name is Josh Daniels'

'you're the last act of the day then' said Simon acting friendly and pretending everything was alright.

'yes, yes I am' the man chuckled softly and played along.

'quite long day wasn't it?' The elder judge said, partly because for him it had been.

'yeah, it was.' Josh agreed.

'you better be good then,' Simon winked thinking of the real reason of his assistance to the show, Julie loved it and she wouldn't like it to be postponed any longer, Simon assumed. After all, whether he wanted to know or not that was a question that would have no answer, for the rest of his days.  
He took a deep breath and proceeded with the last question;

'what are you going to sing Josh?'

'um, I'm going to sing Jealous by Labrinth.'

Simon had heard about it, he listened but didn't paid attention totally still he knew what it was about and he also knew it was going to be hard to keep his feeling hidden after such a long day.  
'and, why did you choose that song?'

'it means very much to me and I, well I get the lyrics in a different way for a reason.'

'can we know what that reason is?' Simon blurted.

There was a brief pause between him and Josh, he had probably touched something that hurt and he was actually regretting bringing it up. Josh tossed his head to the side gathering courage and breathing deeply.

'I lost my best friend a couple of years ago, and I wanted to sing this for him...'

'Okay best of luck.'

As soon as the piano started playing Amanda's heart sunk a little, so did Alesha's and David's.

And Simon's broken one tugged inside his chest, ripping apart from inside.

David stared at Josh, he understood the pain behind his voice and how heartbroken he was while singing in front of the four of them, just the fact of listening to the boy voice was enough to feel and share the grief he had suffered from such a loss.

Simon knew a lot about losing.

He lifted his arms and placed his elbows on the panel, brushing the tip of his index finger lightly with his lips while his gaze traveled among the front of the studio trying to hold back the knot that had formed in his throat.

I wish you  
The best of  
All this world can give

His vision was getting blurry when Amanda turned a little to her left, she clearly noticed the way he was reacting to the song but had rather not to say anything or telling the others, she just quickly looked down his papers and left Simon to act as a human.

But for Simon the lyrics were even deeper than the song itself and all he could think about was her. Of how she had left him alone. She was the only one that has ever loved him for what he was, not because of the money he had or the fame, but now she was gone.

Even though he was fighting back felt burning tears in the corner of his eyes.

'Not now please.' He thought.

The BGT boss was in front of hundreds of people, not to mention that also it was national television and millions of people would see him crying, but he really craved to let it all out, the reason of why he didn't was because of his pride telling him to wait a little longer.

But the lyrics kept going, the memories flooding and the tears running.

But I always thought you'd come back to me  
But all you found was  
Heart broken misery  
It's hard for me to say  
I'm jealous of the way  
You're happy without me

The moments they shared played over and over in Simon's mind, he couldn't say anything, his throat held a tight knot and it ached, if he even dared to speak he was sure his voice would definitely crack and then he wouldn't be able to hold the tears back from streaming wildly across his face.

He just couldn't take it any longer.

A single drop fell to the table and he sniffed a little, not loud enough to be heard by the microphones or the cameras.

But Amanda, Alesha and David heard it.

Amanda ignored what she heard, letting him be. Alesha looked by the corner of her eyes and as soon as she realized of the situation she straightened and turned around.

David was shocked.

He'd never seen Simon...cry? He couldn't believe his eyes, Simon Philip Cowell was crying in front of the whole England. He actually could've sworn he had never ever seen the man being emotional in front of anyone, at least at work, but he did understand why he was hurt.  
He'd never wanted so badly to clap his shoulder and comfort him.

At the other side of the panel when the song ended Simon covered his mouth with his hand and Amanda turned towards him awaiting for him to say something, but Simon couldn't say anything so he looked at her eyes and practically begged her to continue with the review.

She nudged Alesha's side gently to start with the comments, she acknowledge the motion and proceeded to review the singing, she staid wowed and looked at David waiting for words to come but she had been left emotionally overwhelmed.

'wow,' she chocked directing her gaze to Josh as two tears fell 'just...wow, it was very emotional and...' her voice cracked 'we could totally felt it, it was amazing.'

It was David's turn, he was still a little surprised so he startled a little when Alesha tapped his shoulder. He cleared his throat and adjusted his tie before giving his opinion.

'Josh, it was simply beautiful and captivating. I wanted to keep listening to your voice and the song, I think each one of the audience felt it. Amanda?'

Amanda nodded and said, 'Josh, as they said it was really emotional and I think you sang from the heart. It was a very honest audition, and you are very, very brave to have the courage to share such and emotive and important song with us, congratulations Josh.'

The three of them turned towards Simon who covered his mouth and said to Amanda for all of them to go for a vote. Amanda called David and waited for his decision.

'I'm saying yes,' said David convinced and then asked 'Alesha? '

'definitely yes darling!' she said.

Amanda nodded again ' I give you a yes Josh.'

They knew what was coming, Simon had to give the final vote.

David lowered his gaze, not wanting to make Simon uncomfortable, so did Alesha.

Amanda who had been a long time in BGT with Simon turned to her left and waited for him to speak.

Simon wiped his eyes and somehow gathered enough courage to finally give his approval to the young man.

'You've got four yeses.' The fourth judge said quietly.

Josh thanked all of them and went out of the stage where his mom and the hosts Ant and Dec waited.

And it was over, now Simon just had to get calmly out of the place, not making another scandal that the media could use. After crying in front of the cameras the least Simon wanted to do was calling more attention by rushing towards the ride back to his car.

So David stared worried as Simon stood up and walked at a normal pace, leaving the panel behind the three of them.

People were saying things like 'we love you Simon!' as they always did at the end of the day, the lights became irritating for the older Judge and he didn't want to talk or look at anyone, he desperately needed to be alone back home.

He desperately needed her.

Another wave of sorrow hit him straight on the heart and tears threatened to fall with more intensity now.

When Simon reached the corner of the stage where the only ones there were Ant, Dec, Steven and members of staff he felt his walls falling as his lips trembled and shove past all of the cameras and crew leaving everyone behind.

It was a smart decision to take his sunglasses and cover his straining eyes with them, hiding his feelings from the world.

He silently got into the small golf cart that usually rode each one of them back to the parking place, the number six specific where Simon's rolls Royce waited for him.

Once he arrived he politely said goodbye to the man driving the vehicle and walked towards his car, took the keys that were in his pocket, whipped the remaining wetness from his checks with the back of his hand, opened the door and dropped himself on the front seat.

Once inside it he took a deep breath failing an attempt of calming himself and easing his thoughts, falling forward on the wheel he cradled and wrapped his arms onto it and pressing his head in the rim of the grip and let the feelings he'd been holding back to flow.

He squeezed his eyes shut as a sharp sob slipped his mouth and hot fat tears ran across his scrunched face one after another at the same pace of his shattered thoughts of how he missed the woman that had raised, loved and cared about him, and the terrible sour regret of not saying how grateful he was and the love he had always felt for her chased him.

His muscles tensed as he curled and hid his face between his elbows, longing having someone to hold him firmly.

While his shoulders shook with the raspy breath and the often cough he never got to notice the man standing some feets away; it was David, who had chased him after he left.  
He was frozen in his place, legs not working any longer and totally unable to speak.

David slowly motioned the opposite direction he initially intended to head, turned around and walked past the few people on the road and didn't look back, regretting even thinking about trying to talk to his boss as a friend.

Simon was still silently sobbing in his seat, figuring a way to stop the pain.

He felt so alone.

He took mouthfuls of air and focused on driving back to his place, while his breathing calmed and his mind eased everything was ebbing away leaving the man in a fading cloud of pain and confusion.  
He started the engine and drove the way he always did, blurred unfocused lights passed besides the driveway and his mind absently made the way back his house.

Eventually he managed to get to his place, turning the engine off he placed his car on his spot and kept his gaze to the front window, each step heavier the ones before. He reached to the entrance of the manor and tools the keys out, opened the door and closed it behind him as he slid down the familiar view of the corridor and once inside it he finally let it all out.

Unable to stand feeling his knees weak he collapsed in the corridor and fell with a loud thud, he curled in a ball and hugged his legs as a child, he let all the tears run wildly and all of the noises out.

He did needed comfort.

He needed someone.

He was lost.

He was alone


	3. And I Know I Was Wrong

He pressed the keys to the small keyhole on the front door of his house and then proceeded to let in usual place he did as he always got home. He sighed heavily as the keys fell onto the jar that often kept coins and other stuff that were on his pockets or her wife's purse, and with this being done he makes his way to the stairs walking past the living room and the corridor that leads to the kitchen.

Usually for most people getting home should be something relaxing, but for him it wasn’t. Arguments between him and Lara became very regular, most of the times were over something David did long ago or in the shows he was working in.

Taking a glance of the surroundings he calls:

“I’m home Lara.”

Silence greets him and he makes his way upstairs and reaches the main room where Lara is lying in bed with a book on her hands. The title read 'Nature on society'.

“Hey Lara,”

He stepped in the room as Lara lifted her gaze from the book and left it aside on the drawer next to the bed.

“Why?"

David didn’t understand what was happening; all he knew was that it was the start of another argument. She pointed at the TV, it was on ITV 2 channel, but still he couldn’t manage to understand what was happening. His expression formed to confusion itself.

“What?”

“David, I saw the show. You were staring at Simon, again.”  
Although David did a lot of nonsense while recording the show this time he seemed ridiculous that Lara was mad at him for something he was one hundred percent sure had nothing wrong. Then with that statement David frowned with a mixture of displeasure and confusion.

“Lara listen, I think you’re really making a problem out of something there’s anything to-”

“No David, you know things like this have happened before-“

“Lara, he was crying!”

“And so what?!”

David was silent, not knowing how to respond to that. She surely had a point and, besides, it did not help that the other girls had simply let Simon vent and not have 'stared' at him as he had. After a brief silence between them David refused to fake another apology.

“Lara, I know what you mean…b-but, it’s not that I can’t care about him.”

Lara had disappointment painted on her face; she wasn’t pleased with what David had said.

“Okay,” She said as she removed the bed covers of her and got up, “you can look after anyone you want, I don’t care.”

David followed with his gaze as Lara packed a Small bag with clothes, then in the bathroom a toothbrush. When she was done she walked into the bedroom where David was still standing still.

“Lara, what are you doing?

She turned and faced him before sighing deeply.

“I´ll go to Martha´s place for the night David, I… I hope you do fine.”

“Lara-“

“David, I need time” she was about to leave when she said at last “…David, do you think that he would even care about you?”

David saw as the silhouette of his wife disappeared through the door frame, and then the door echoed shut downstairs.

He stood there for a few minutes after Lara left, a couple words still in his head.

The man eventually managed to move from his place and reach the bed where he fell heavily backwards on the unmade covers, he squeezed his eyes shut, the memory of the last Lara said to him played all over in his head again and again, and it wasn’t just what Lara had asked at last but the whole scene and the amount of previous arguments.

It’s been two months since the fights started; Lara would lecture him about something she saw on ITV, some angry tweets criticizing David or simply something he did, it didn’t matter if it was long ago, anything triggered the woman to start an argument from whatever the matter was.

If David was being honest, he was truly tired of all this and probably so was Lara, he didn’t really knew how much he could keep this situation going on. He hoped that things could get better with time, but the truth was that he wasn’t really trying.

David brought a hand to his face rubbed his eyes and then ran it through his hair, maybe some sleep could help him.  
Silence reigned in the empty house, he just laid in the bed and watched up the ceiling for a few time thinking all about what had happened, the words still in his head.

"Could it be?"

He rolls his eyes until they fall on the window on his left then looks through it; dark knight covering everything that is to see. Then he sat up and asked himself again.

"Am I so wrong?"

•

Being alone at home wasn’t a bad thing at all, knowing that no matter what he did he would still be, was the problem.

After getting home he fell asleep on the corridor of his house, nearly the main door where he kept weeping a brief time before drifting into slumber. At the moment he felt so bad he didn’t really care about where he was, but as soon as unconsciousness was no longer comfort he became aware of the pain on his entire body and how his lower part was completely numb.

He got up and mechanically went to his room upstairs, the sound of tired and heavy footsteps echoing on the lonely house. When he reached the familiar place, he made a small pause before entering the room, and after a long deep breath he made his way to the bathroom.

Moving the faucet, the water began to run, with both hands he collected some of it and then splashed his face with the cold water, the chills from the temperature went from his jaw to the back of his neck. He gasped for air and as weak as he was feeling right now made him fall forwards; only his arms keeping him from hitting the ground.

After washing his face, Simon made his way to his bed taking off all of his clothes, leaving only a pair of boxers on. He slumped there and fell into the mattress slightly bouncing, he turned over so he was looking up the dim ceiling, he analyzed every detail of it, not truly processing any of it, just glancing it, the shadows, the way the outside lights illuminated a little of it, the rift between dark and light…

He closed his eyes, counting his breathing, it helped him to sleep usually.

It wasn’t a surprise that it didn’t worked out this time.

Time passed, and Simon still wasn’t able to get any rest.

There was actually nothing in his head, nothing, so what was keeping him awake at that time? It was a mystery.  
He was just laying there, thinking in much stuff that none of it mattered, listening to the outside world but not really paying attention to any of what happened there, looking at everything and at the same time nothing at all, just a breath after another one, a thought after another one and a beat of his heart after another one. It was almost like if the entire universe just kept moving but something of his was left behind, and he felt that there was no way he could ever get it back.

If he was being honest, sleep wasn't a shelter any longer, awake his mind was plagued by regret, painful memories and chaotic thoughts. By night time the situation wasn't better, he wasn't able of falling asleep but when he did nightmares chased him leaving him breathless in the early morning, dreams like he calling for his mother, hearing her voice back but the more he ran after the illusion the more it seemed to fade into the dark space in front of him.  
It was the same every night, sweat covering his forehead, a cold painful pressure on his chest which next climbed to his throat, just to scape like a whimper which was shortly followed by crying down till he couldn’t shed any more tears.

He didn’t want to go through that again.

Without second thought he got up and went to the nightstand and grabbed a box of pills, the usual measure were two capsules, so he poured the pair of red pills and swallowed them.  
The last thing that crossed his head before falling asleep again was how fast things happen.

He miserably woke up again at the early morning, thing that wasn’t good at all. He jolted so he was sitting shirtless under the sheets, a thin layer of sweat all over him, his breath fast and it was a matter of time until the cold hit him. He shivered and relaxed all of his muscles falling back onto the bed, he reached the phone in the drawer and saw the time; 3am. Then the same words that came to his head after waking up like this strikes his mind once more, but after a few minutes of self blaming his troubled mind gave space to a moment he didn’t paid enough attention to but just now it would be quite a deal to explain.

The press was going to have no mercy on him.

He had cried in national television, there was no possible way that wouldn’t be something that entertainment companies, news or whatever could use to make a fancy title like: 'Cowell's emotional moment while filming Britain’s got Talent' or 'the heartless music mogul crying on auditions'.

Why was it like that? He asked himself. Why would his suffering and pain be turned into money to companies?

He tuned to his right so he was lying on his side, his vision got slowly unfocused and sooner than he expected, sleep had welcomed him once more.


	4. But The Truth Is, I Miss You

It was another normal regular day, Simon woke up with the alarm set to six o'clock in the morning, went to the bathroom where he took a shower real quick, got dressed into a pair of jeans and a plain longsleve navy blue shirt, picked a watch, headed downstairs and got his wallet and keys.

He drove the way he usually did to the main Sisco business building, which happened to have a coffee shop not so far from it, so when Simon arrived his destination he parked the car Infront of the place to buy his 'breakfast'.

The place wasn't so busy this time of the day so he was lucky enough to see just a few people on a line Infront of the counter waiting for the orders to be ready to go, so he placed right behind the old man that was at the end of it and looked sheepishly at the list of drinks and pastries.

Soon enough it was his turn to order something, he decided he would just order a regular baggle and a espresso coffee. The young girl behind the counter directed him a smile politely saying the same lines all the employees of those stores did.

"Good morning, sir. What can I do for you?"

Later that day Simon was checking on the financial situations of contracts with music companies in the office of his house, the truth was that some of the people who had previously appeared in the shows and got far enough ussualy caught the eye of some people and hire them even if they didn't win the contest, si both of his initial projects helped people's talents to be recognised. After reading and calculating some of the charges that would be spent in a future and the earnings of the shows he left the paperwork aside and placed aside some of them that still needed to be read twice before investing on the companies proposals.

While archiving by category the documents and letters his phone rung, screen turning on to show the name of the incoming call.

When he read it a not so pleasant memory hit him, the last time the number had called, the worse news he had ever heard in his entire life were spoken.

He picked the device and accepted the call.

"Hey, brother.""Hello Simon."

The conversation was going great so far, distant brothers being cold to eachother after loosing the most important person in their lives, what else could Simon ask for.

"I know it's been long since we last saw eachother at the funeral, I know it's been hard but..." There was a trace of insecurity there, the older brother could feel it.

"What is it Nicholas?"

"You don't have to but, it would be good to, you know, talk to eachother, try to cope...move on."

His mouth closed, no words actually coming out. Although his brother was right, there was something strange about the idea of just...leaving it all behind.

After some time thinking of what would happen he decided there was nothing wrong with trying, so he let out a breath he didn't hadn't realised was holding.

"Mind if I crash at your place for a while?" He asked bluntly. Hid brother had offered something, he wasn't going to turn him down after accepting the chance of a brighter tomorrow.

"Right now?" The other man asked.

"Yeah, I've got nothing to do besides proofreading letters."

"Okay, see you later Simon."

"Sure, bye."

He hung out with a tap on the screen and once more got up from his desk picking the car keys.

Whilst he drove to his brother's house he realised that now most of the time, it was quieter inside his car. Actually it was everywhere.  
He had stopped listening to music; the classics which he grew up with, the hits of the era, the ones the played on his teenager parties, the ones from his prom, the vinyls that his grandmother always had in the living room. He knew he had closed shut something inside him, the feelings were no longer there and the only thing that had a space in his mind was the constant distraction from his mind the work provided.

There was a comfort about it, he didn't had to worry any more about how he felt, except for those few emotional breakdowns that usually stroke him, he always tried to hold them till he was in privacy, he thought that not everyone had to know how he felt. Then something mede a connection inside his head; no one but his family, those were the people who were there when needed.

This time he gave it a chance, turning the stereo system on his vehicle the music started to hum softly inside the car.

His brother's house was quite different from his, warm colours, almost full with furniture and way too many carpets.  
He gave four knocks on the door and waited for it to open backing out a little while taking sight of the surroundings, green bushes planted into the people's front yards and every house simila to the others.

The door was opened by the young man who was wearing a pale blue shirt and black pants.

"Hey Simon," he smiled softly "come in." Said as he moved aside tom make some space for his brother to enter the place.  
Simon walked past the door after returning the warm welcoming words.

" Would you like something to drink?" Nicholas asked politely.

"Have you got any whiskey ?"

Simon wasn't one to hide, from all drinks he had some preference towards the scotch whiskey.

"1983 reserve" replied like if he was saying a prayer.

"Please,if you might."

He saw as his younger brother paced towards a small table in which a bottle with a golden liquid inside laid on top of a silver plate, Nicholas twisted it open and poured in a couple of galsses the contents inside it. As soon as both of the glasses were at their perfect measurement he turned to go where Simon was sitting.

He sat across him as he placed the drinks Infront of both of them.

Simon took a sip from his and the whiskey slipped past his lips, leaving a tingling sensation down his throat.

"So," Nicholas started breaking the silence between them "what have you been doing?"

Simon knew it was a line to start a conversation, he didn't paid attention to it though, his brother was clearly making an effort.

" Nothing much, just work. You?"

"Same."

They were just quiet, silence reigned in the room and it wasn't that awkward at all, honestly it actually felt like something they both longed for, just knowing they had someone by their side.

With a sudden move Nicholas got up, walked past the table Infront of him with glass in his hand and reached the couch on where Simon was, then sat there barely two feet apart.

Sadly Simon must confess to himself he thought he wouldn't see his old long friend again, that he wouldn't have anything else after she left...but here he was, right beside him and still he didn't even bothered to look him in the eyes, and it was obvious he did the same. Nicholas was bigger than him so right where they were sitting his shoulder was probably 8 inches higher than Simon's.

None of them wanted to speak until Nick sighed and began once more

"Things changed Simon," he didn't turned his head, he just kept staring at the yellowish walls " we're not kids any more."

"That happened a long time ago Nicholas." He said with a half heatedly grin as he snorted, then shook his head looking at his drink.

Once more, quietness followed them until Simon decided to ask something that had roamed through his mind since he got the call.

"Why did you asked me to meet with you?"

His brother did not even hesitate to give the answer.  
"I know you, Simon, you can act in front of everyone else, in front of the world if you want, but not in front of me, I know you need someone ... and I need you too, we are the only thing we have, we are family Yes" .

That was the moment when Simon's heart sank and he felt like a complete asshole.

He moved his feet nervously against each other as he looked away, ashamed of his selfishness. He had left his brother alone and had not even minded making a call, what kind of person was he? Simon asked himself.

"Yes, you're right ... I've been an idiot with you, I'm sorry, I just ... I felt like-"

"I know Simon, okay? I just want you to know that I'm right here if you need me."

Nicholas ended with a small nudge on his brothers arm which Simon replied to with a smile.

Nicholas finished with a small nudge on his brother's arm to which Simon responded with a smile.

Both finished their drinks while sharing memories of their youth.

"Do you remember that you once took that poor driver hostage? Man, that was hilarious!" The younger brother laughed and Simon could not help but chuckle a little too.

"Oh God, what age did I have back then? I was ten, right?"

"You were twelve," he said with a laugh, he had always been a cheerful man. "Oh, our poor mother, she went crazy when you got home with cops behind you!"

"I remember her face, 'SIMON PHILIP COWELL! WHAT IN THE NAME OF GOD DID YOU DO!?" he said while impressing his voice.

Both of their laughter faded away, the room was now brighter and Simon's chest felt a little bit lighter.

After a minute he set his glass on the tea table and sighed getting on his feet.

"Anyways, I should get going."

Nicholas got up too and moved aside so Simon could walk to the door.

"Yeah, sure."

Nicholas lead the way to the fancy entrance of the house and opened it. He coughed before his brother crossed the door, his eye immediately meeting his own.

"Simon," he looked down "thank you...you know"

He place his hand kindly in his brother's shoulder.

"I know, okay? I'm sorry for not talking sooner."

Nicholas nodded, and both bidded goodbye eachother.

Simon was lying on his bed finishing his paperwork when his phone vibrated twice, the screen showed a text message from the show organizers of agenda and location.

'Leaving to Liverpool tomorrow morning, all the members of the panel and behind the scenes must be there before six o'clock. Obviously, PM, we do not want any other incident.

His memory reminded him a few years ago, when David was new to the show and got the same text without clarifying the time, when he arrived he saw the new member of the jury sitting at the theater reception where the acts would be presented in the following two weeks.

Simon liked to arrive early, he was very bossy and he liked that everything was organized before the fuss started in the backstage; if he didn't, he simply could not go to his office and verify the names or numbers of every act that would occur throughout the day. When he entered that place, he saw the face of the new judge, who almost stood in a single jump. It was not the first time they had seen each other, but David was a little nervous, it was probably because of the fact that this would be a huge commitment on his career and with the Sisco Corporation.

Simon could not help the frown that formed on his forehead.

"Walliams, what are you doing here?" He asked in a firm voice.

"They sent me a mail saying we should be here before six o'clock. I thought everyone would be here by now..."

"You were wrong Mr Walliams, the show is recorded at seven, we have an hour to get ready...seven pm." He clarified with a mischievous look.

The definitely younger man apologized as he afterwards walked out trough the large glass door, and right after the door shut close Simon couldn't hide the smile that painted his face caused by the foolish mistake David had make.

Oh what a deal was that man going to be , and Simon thought for a brief second that he could be okay with that.

Slipping away from his reverie he left the papers aside on the bedstand beside him, and tugged the bed covers closer, rolling over his right side after turning the lights off.

That day no nightmare came to him. But the miserable truth was that even after feeling better he was nowhere near feeling alive again.


	5. It Never Moves, Just Won't Be Lead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Simon and David try to hide a truth from themselves.

 

¨ My story begins in a forest, somewhere in Tanzania. It is a place where humans do not live, a wild world."

Terra, was the name of the documentary that had Simon in trance, the harmonic voice that told the life of the Colobus and the music of the film had perplexed him. The wildlife, in Simon's eyes, was something to protect, the world was vulnerable and humans like him and ...

Then he heard the sound of a glass shattering, he must have been so absorbed in his thoughts for not realizing how the glass of soda slid down his hands and ended up as a mess spread on the white ceramic floor.

Simon's house was quite large, and living alone made it seem bigger, a huge television was supported on the wall and on its sides two speakers with the theater function, the audio was able to surround it and make it feel immersed in what whether the screen was casting.

Well, he had everything and still, he felt empty, he had no one to share it with.

The cleaning guy was not there for health reasons, so he went to the kitchen and the back closet that looked out on the side of the guest room where he kept the cleaning supplies.

 

"Hello, my boy!" Said David as he knelt down to pet Bert, who's tail began to wiggle, hitting slightly the floor.

"Are you still in mood for a nap?" He asked then received a quick lick over his thumb.

There was a thought stuck on his head since a pretty long time, but with the morning daze it slipped through his lips in articulated words.

"Bert, do you think someone ever love me?" Lara wasn't the answer there, not on his mind, "...do you think Simon would?"

His yes widened in realization of what he just said and froze right there.

How could he even say that? He shut away that idea since a long time when he accepted that there was no way for something like that happened ever, he just played with it trying to ease the rumble on his brains when he was close, really close to him. 

He sometimes stared at Simon's lips, or hands, longing for something to-

"No..."

Bert squealed, he was hungry.

"Yes boy, hold up, papa's old and his knees," he rose and arched his back "also are!"

 

David prepared breakfast for himself and double checked everything he needed before he left the house, today he'd wear a plain black shirt until four p.m, then he'd chose a suit, maybe the grey, or a blue one.

 

 

"Hello everybody in the audience!" Said Dec  
"We're all so glad to have you here," continued Ant

They kept saying the same lines, with some small exceptions with cathing up on news a little the previous shows.

"This is probably what you're all waiting for, our judges everybody!"

They all went down to the panel, waving at people, shaking hands, all the regular things, people chanting things such as ´I love you´ or ýou're great´ to whoever it was being said to.

Time passed, contestants showed up on the scenario, various acts, from wiggling eyebrows, to impressive singing.  
On the show there was a particular move some contestants did, it was always a few portion of all the ones who singed up but still, the "I'll sing after I tell you the sad story of my life". It worked most of the time, empathy for the person on the stage and sometimes the good voice behind them. Each Judge had their own way to evaluate the performance, Simon's requirements happened that after a month and a few days wasn't something helpful to his pride; he took the time to feel the emotions shown in every note, the ways the lyrics matched with the backstory, that being so, when Harry Gardener performed his song ¨Not Alone¨ and was under the spotlight he didn't expect to have to face again one of those moments.

The audience clapped, judges stood up and gave thir thoughts on the act. Simon did it this time, he felt capable of...well, he thought because, for an unknown reason, he was still feeling empty.

This occasion the shameful emotional break down didn't happen, however a certain pressure settled on his chest and, the now familiar throat tightness came back. It was ridiculous, he declined the absence leave given the idea that no more outbursts would occur, then again he was right, but now he felt the urge of leaving and stop pretending everything was fine.

After Harry got off the stage, Stephen appeared from the back of it and announced a break.  
''Everybody, give it up for our judges!¨

 

Simon somehow found himself crossing the hall that lead to the bathroom, the light coming trough the glass pannels which were used as walls for the fourth floor on the Manchester's theater. The place was luckily empty, so the frecuent swearing, sniffle, deep breath and obviously glassy eyes had no witness.

"Fucking sad songs, why the-" 

"Simon"

He recognised that voice and it was someone's he definitely didn't want to hear that precise second.

"David, not now" Simon demanded.

David had two options, backing out once more and stop hurting everything he got close to, or following and being stubborn with just following his heart, so he swallowed loudly as he tried to figure out what to do in half a second. Obviously both possibilities crossed his mind on less than a second then what he next realized was that he couldn't stop chasing after Simon and just when he was right behind him he quickly reached out his hand aiming for the other one's wrist and held it on a firm grip.

 

As it was to be expected, Simon instinctively tried turning to push away in a pretty harsh way but no strength was left, so his efforts were utterly useless against the death strong grip David was providing.

"David, let go!" Roared Simon angrily as his voice cracked in a way he felt ashamed of.

"No, Simon, I did it once, I won't do it again!" The younger man tried to sound severe but it didn't matter, there still was a hint of fear and insecurity as he spoke.

"David, go awa-"

The words were cut by a shoulder pressed against Simon's face.  
David had pulled him into a forced embrace, and was also damn sure that he could get fired for that, but if he was being honest with himself this could be worth it.

At first Simon struggled, his body and arms violently moving but soon enough it went from that to quivering as David cooed soothing noises and reapeted things like "it's okay, I got you" over and over again.  
Simon gave up on trying to go away.  
They both fell on the floor upholstered with a soft material, David's back on the wall as Simon is placed in a uncomfortable position between the taller man legs still having a handful of David's navy blue blazer.

David felt as his clothes slowly became damp with tears and how Simon's breathing slowed down gradually until he was just slumped over him. The comedian had honestly no idea on what to do so he just went to the basic comforting phrase.

"It's...it's okay Simon," he hesitated slightly.

Simon took a mouthful of air, snot blocking his nose as he said brokenly.

"No it's, it's not okay, David" then the voice managed to come out " it's not okay."

David was lost, he had never seen something like that, and never in a thousand years the idea of his boss...of Simon Cowell being vulnerable like a child right between his arms had crossed his mind.  
It wasn't like they've never huged or something but since it was pure acting this definitely was something different, at least for David who also had no argument against what Simon said, he knew the man was right, there was no way he could be okay, he had been struggling all by himself after loosing the only thing in life he really valued so the only response he thought of was holding him closer.

Simon was the one who pulled away backing out a little standing up, he also wiped his nose and checks with the back of his hand and then with mechanic movements Simon stood and backed slowly, didn't look down at David, who was still sitting on the carpeted floor, turned around, made the first step and didn't stop until his form disappeared with the corner of the hall.

Simon's pulse was deep and strong on his chest, his hands dead cold and breath shallow as he moved without hesitation going nowhere. There was nothing on his brain, just an automatic route to his assigned backstage lounge.

Pace quickening as he got closer, his hands clenched and unclenched, fidgeting and sweating.

He got inside and closed the door shut, turning the doorknob so it'd be locked and didn't let go until it clicked.

He threw himself on the couch and let out a long shaky breath.

Then like a movie looped, the scene played over and over in his head, the way David's chest felt, his warmth, his voice, his everything.

He tried to push away those thoughts, but it was too late, he had felt something special, something that was dangerous and didn't want to admit it, because it was David Walliams the one that made that feeling to appear in the first place, and there were just so many other reasons, and it was only mis show, and the thoughts were coming and going, and crossing away, looping and playing again, there was no running away.

"Breath Simon! Breath"

He yelled himself, fistfuls of grey hair.

"It's only midshow, you gotta keep it together."

 

"it's not so hard, you've done it before, just imagine the scene... imagine..."

David jolted away of his seat feeling totally frustrated.

"I'm out, can't deal with this." A grin formed on his face, arched his back making it crack a little and jolted out of the chair.

He walked out of the kitchen and wondered what could be do to overcome the world's most hated thing for authors, writers block. Since the events that occurred earlier involving him and Simon his attention drawned to how Simon's body felt pressed to his, the things he said and uncounsiously his hand climbed to rest on the place the tears were shed as both of the laid on the floor. The hand went back again as fast as it had come and David proceded to stroll through his house until he reached the small shelf where pictures of the most valuable moments or people he had where, there was the one of his wedding.

Oh that day had been perfect, he used to remember how Lara looked like back then when she walked in with the white and golden dress, he had picked a grey suit and they both agreed on where to celebrate their "big day". Now, he looked back when the times were good and just like a cassuality the sound of paper sliding on the wooden floor caught his attention.

A simple white paper was a far inches away from the door, it was a note, it had probably fallen, the meant that it had been placed there some time ago, he merely looked at it and then went to pick it up.

Speaking of the devil, it was Lara's.

He reached and held it, she was coming back the next day.

He looked absently at the note, thinking of her scent. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad that she came back, they could try to talk again...he could try to talk to her again, like every single time.  
It flashed on his mind, the way Simon's body fel-  
"No" he snapped the thought out of his head.  
There were some things that would never be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took me longer than I expected, sorry. Thank you all those who waited for this and those who letter kind encouraging comments.

**Author's Note:**

> This fan fic was created for two reasons: there's hell of lack material of this ship and I really needed to read some, so if you want something so bad, do it yourself. Also I wanted to do it third person point of view, it's more professional in my opinion. Second, I want my fic to be an example of how to write works.
> 
> I've never written a fic before, or at least not published. If someone gets to read this thing, leave kudos if you liked it and comments, opinions or any kind of feedback will be highly appreciated.


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